My daughter is afraid of the dark. We have taken to leaving a light on in the bathroom just across the hall with her door slightly ajar so that a small stream of light glows softly on her bed and she feels safe.
While this has helped her, it has been challenging for me because the light also streams into our bedroom at the end of the hall and I am distracted by it. It has been hard for me to sleep.
Then it hits me. I like the dark because I have been living in darkness, even on the brightest day. The darkness is my grief. It is my grief over losing my dad, my grief over unmet and unrealistic expectations for my life, my husband, my stepdaughter and my daughter, the sorrow and the self pity that has paralyzed me for almost two years.
I forced myself to look into God’s word this morning. I headed for the Psalms because I often find them uplifting, an easy place to put my mind in a state of praise. I randomly flipped to Psalm 30 to find David telling me “For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.”
I fell on the floor in tears, the tears that just keep coming. When does the morning actually come? I want to rejoice in the light, not walk in perpetual darkness. Then God’s truth comes crashing in on me like a train wreck. Rejoice is a choice. It is not some easy, natural thing that just happens one day. It is a choice and choices involve work.
I have been choosing darkness. I have been choosing sorrow and self pity. These choices have also involved work. How much energy have I poured out, thrown away in a wasteland of self-imposed grief. It is mind boggling to think of my lack of stewardship over God’s gifts to me in all areas of my life.
Today I choose morning, I choose light, I choose rejoicing! I am rolling up my sleeves and venturing into the work of pulling myself out of the pit and allowing God to work in me, to heal me.
“He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth , a hymn of praise to our God…” Psalm 40:2-3
God will do this for me and he will do it for you too! Make the choice of light and freedom with me this day!
Photo Credit: Heidi Lettau Photography